"Yesimaich Elohim ke'Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel, v'Leah."
With these words, we bless our daughters. Jewish parents, what are you thinking?! Do you really want your daughters to be like Israel's matriarchs, and to share their fates? Before considering this subject, let's look at the blessing for our boys, which is specified in today's Torah portion:
"Yesimach Elohim ke'Ephraim vechi'Menasheh."
Here the interpretation is straightforward: may you be born to wealthy and influential parents. God always answers this prayer, usually in the negative. Indeed, by the time it is pronounced, it is usually too late. We boys are compelled to respond: thanks for the nice thought, Mom and Dad, but you haven't done your part. Perhaps this blessing should be understood as applying to the next generation: may your sons be born to wealthy and influential parents. Now that would be a real blessing!
The classic understanding of the blessing of our daughters was delivered from this bimah by Rabbi Abraham Havivi, on the occasion of the Bat Mitzvah of his eldest daughter, Rebeccah. Rabbi Havivi spoke at length about the virtues of each of the matriarchs, drawing on the widest range of midrashic sources. Unfortunately, I lack the depth of scholarship of Rabbi Havivi. Consequently, I will rely exclusively on the plain reading of the Biblical text and, as a result, will come to diametrically different conclusions.
I want to focus on three aspects of the matriarchs to which parents might, or might not, be referring: physical beauty, marital success, and general personality.
Given all of life's uncertainties, asking for physical beauty for our daughters seems entirely reasonable. In this regard, requesting that they resemble the matriarchs is a home run, or at least a triple. For three of the matriarchs, their physical beauty is stated explicitly. For the fourth, Leah, the Torah makes an ambiguous comment. However, consider the evidence: Leah is the mother of seven of Jacob's thirteen children, and he had three other women from whom to choose. Clearly, Leah must have had some physical attractions.
In the physical beauty category, Jewish parents are on the right track.
When it comes to marital success, however, the record is thoroughly mixed. If all you want for your daughter is the Mercedes of her dreams, and a Beverly Hills mansion to go with it, you have picked the right role models.
For each of the matriarchs married men who were, or became, incredibly wealthy. But surely we aspire to the other elements of a happy marriage for our daughters, and here the story is troubling.
The Torah contains numerous incidents of the Patriarchs mistreating or endangering their wives. For example, in order to protect themselves, both Abraham and Isaac introduce their wives to government officials as their sisters. As a result, Sarah is twice taken into rulers' harems. And when Rebecca complains to Jacob about her lack of children, Jacob replies not with sympathy but with an angry snarl. And Rebecca is his favorite wife: we can only guess how badly he treated the others.
Next, consider marital fidelity. Only one of the patriarchs, Isaac, can be characterized as monogamous. Abraham fathered at least 8 children by three women, Jacob at least 13 children by four women, but Isaac fathered only one set of twins. If your daughter marries an Isaac, the prenuptial agreement needs to specify that she selects all of the household staff, especially the pool boy. If she marries an Abraham or especially a Jacob, I recommend blinders.
Does your daughter enjoy foreign travel? If she marries an Abraham or a Jacob, she will get to explore exotic locales. But Isaac barely stirred beyond the shadow of his own tent. If she marries an Isaac, I recommend separate vacations. But marrying an Abraham may lead your daughter to a permanent relocation. Also, consider that Abraham maintained his own private army. Your daughter might end up in Columbia, or Afghanistan.
Let us turn, now, to the character of the matriarchs. There is one word that would capture a character trait common to all four of our matriarchs: ruthless. Now I am not talking about highly motivated, goal-oriented determination, but sheer, unadulterated ruthlessness. These four women were prepared to use violence, theft, and fraud to obtain their objectives. Consider the evidence.
When Sarah's pregnant handmaid, Hagar, gets uppity, her mistress abuses her so violently that Hagar runs away. She can be coaxed home only by a promise of Divine protection. Later, Sarah becomes convinced that Hagar and her son Ishmael may threaten Isaac's inheritance, and perhaps his life. So Sarah convinces Abraham to expel Hagar and Ishmael into the desert, with only a bottle of water to keep them alive.
When Rebecca learns that Isaac plans to bless their eldest son, Esau, she concocts the plot to deceive her elderly and infirm husband, and obtain the blessing for her favorite son, Jacob. And when the wimpy Mama's boy, Jacob, whines that he might get caught, Rebecca promises to take the blame. Rebecca's obvious role in this plot will forever poison her relationship with her husband and her son Esau.
Rachel and Leah begin their married lives by defrauding their husband, Jacob: Leah substitutes herself for her sister on their wedding night. While the sisters may have been coerced into this act by their father, Laban, the fraud could not have occurred without their joint active participation.
When Jacob leaves his father-in-law, Rachel steals Labans' teraphim, a kind of household idol. To prevent Laban from discovering the identity of the thief, Rachel pretends menstrual distress.
When Rachel saw that she was barren, she maintained her status in Jacob's household by delivering her handmaid, Bilhah, to her husband as a concubine. When Leah finds herself in a temporary child-bearing lull, she too gives her maid, Zilpah, to satisfy Jacob's lust.
On previous occasions, I have spoken out against the exclusion of Bilhah and Zilpah from the list of Israel's matriarchs. However, in the case of the blessing for our daughters, their exclusion is entirely justified. These women were used as Jacob's sexual doormats; they and their children were demeaned and discriminated against during their lifetimes, and the women have been ignored by the Jewish people to this day. What loving Jewish parents could possibly wish such a fate on their daughters?
Let us sum up a possible meaning for the blessing of our daughters, based on the topics we have discussed today.
May our daughters be blessed with the physical beauty of the matriarchs, and an inner beauty that makes that physical beauty glow;
May our daughters marry men who will provide for all of their material desires and also fulfill all of their emotional needs;
And may our daughters be tough enough to deal with whatever life throws their way.
Now those would be real blessings!
Shabbat shalom.